Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Pedophile Composers

Before I received tenure I had to work hard for a living. One of my side jobs was working as a decoy for the organization Union Musicians Against Pedophile Composers. It was my job to pose as a 14-year-old boy in the new-music chat rooms and lure boy-loving composers to my Rochester apartment where Dateline NBC had installed hidden cameras for their special series, "To Catch a Predator."

I was surprised to discover that the composers you'd most expect to practice pedophilia - those who have written Alice in Wonderland Symphonies, for example - were the most considerate and responsible composers of the bunch. The true predators were those who hid behind the facade of mediocrity, those who were afraid to write extreme and emotional music. It's almost as if they were looking for the life-drama that they couldn't evoke in their compositions. Without naming any names, I'd advise all parents to talk to their kids about new music. If you don't, someone else will.

I'd also like to strongly suggest that organizations like ASCAP and BMI stop publicizing the names of their Young Composers Award winners. Since the vast majority of these young composers are adolescent boys, the list of names and contact information is just an open invitation for pedophile composers to inappropriately "mentor" the awardees.

And for those pedophile composers out there: If you're looking for someone young and innocent to educate in counterpoint and harmony, contact me at my AIM screen name DecoyBoy1991 for some help.