Classical Pontifications with Professor Heebie McJeebie

Professor McJeebie's Guilty Pleasures

2008-05-05T01:28:00.005-04:00

Professor McJeebie has been tagged by the young whipper-snapper, Molly Sheridan, who, despite her comments in this interview, has now started her own blog.

The rules of the meme:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people, and acknowledge who tagged you.

One of my guilty pleasures as a seasoned and well-respected composer is the occasion to spend some time surreptitiously with the series of composer-oriented romance novels by the writer known as "Maestro Bater." His latest is called Ictus Firmus .

It was the most sensual choral concert she had ever experienced. And as she listened to the prepubescent vibrations of the children's orgiastic unisons, she thought back to her childhood. She remembered how she would take her clothes off at the doctor's office, thinking, "My body is changing, and I don't want anybody else to see it."

I am tagging music students who maintain blogs, since they seem so determined to ignore their studies and procrastinate:

Ben Moh
Zachary Toporek
北京女孩儿
Jason Heath
Nameless Postmodernist

McJeebie in North Korea

2008-03-08T13:59:00.001-05:00

I am pleased to announce that I will be taking my TANDY Virtual Orchestra to the needy citizens of North Korea, following in the footsteps of Maestro Loren Maazel and the New York Philharmonic. Thanks to a generous grant from the Universal Music Foundation, the communist aristocracy and corporate investors who oversee North Korea's slave trade will be exposed to the complexities of computer music. In many ways, a TANDY composer is like a communist dictator. The worker-computer submits to the will and the cultivated intellect of the composer, and the results benefit the entire human race. I will be composing a new piece entitled "Progressive Variations on a Proliferation Theme" on the special occasion of this North Korean concert.

In Memoriam - Tipsy Wonkersen

2008-02-28T13:52:00.003-05:00

Tipsy Wonksersen was the man who unwittingly started last week's three-alarm fire at the Hotel Cadillac, but he was so much more than that.

Tipsy was a man who believed that composing music should take precedence over the nonsense of everyday life. It's no secret that he never bathed. He claimed to use deodorant, but we all knew it was just that "magic stone" kind from the hippie stores.

Tipsy would search for his muse in the shadows and back-alleys of Rochester -- the occasional abandoned automobile, the dumpsters behind The Brasserie. But he did more than just study the unfortunates. He believed in taking inspiration away from them and using his music to tell their stories. Imposing the rigor and formality of classical music onto their haphazard lives, Tipsy gave them a gift that only the astute composer can give -- the gift of a masterpiece!

From this day forward, the Hotel Cadillac will provide an annual Wonkersen Scholarship to support the costs of hiring an unpaid intern for my Composer Isolation Chamber.

Thank you, Tipsy, for all you've given us. It is a blessing that your music will live far beyond your mortal flesh.

Libertarians Unite!

2008-02-27T13:49:00.003-05:00

As promised, I am posting an excerpt from the symphonic tone-poem I composed for Senator John McCain's presidential campaign. For the purposes of maintaining copyright infringement, I am using my original title, "Libertarians Unite!"

Click here to listen.

In this segment, one can hear the ominous dissonances of terrorism building to a crescendo which is then thwarted by the tip-toeing frolics of a liberal elite, represented by the flute. Fortunately, Senator McCain steps in before things get too pretty. He is represented by the percussion and the "When Johnny Comes Marching Home" theme in the brass.

As the piece progresses, Senator McCain allows Libertarians to live side by side as competitive individuals, enjoying the best of the best while leaving the rest to the rest. The Senator thanked me for the composition and recommended that I secure an Eastern European orchestra that would be willing to record the symphonic work if I can acquire $5,000 in the next five days.

That's where you come in! All you have to do is send a PayPal donation in the mail to

Prof. Heebie McJeebie
Hotel Cadillac
Room 469
45 Chestnut Street
Rochester, NY, 14604

Many thanks, dear readers!

The Professor Returns

2008-02-19T17:04:00.006-05:00

Patient Readers, I have returned to the blogosphere after a prolonged absence during which I served as Technology Consultant for John McCain's presidential campaign. Despite the protestations of my German role model -- the feminist-in-wolf's-clothing, William Osborne -- I chose to suspend my bloggership until all partisan political business subsided.

Next week, I will post the recording of McCain's presumptive, symphonic theme, composed by yours truly. The McCain campaign rejected my original title, "Libertarians Unite!," in favor of the more preemptive title, "A Symphonic Ode to the United States: We Shall Never Surrender."

In other news, I was not at the Hotel Cadillac during today's two-alarm fire, but I believe I know who was responsible. There's only one person who would run his air-conditioning unit during such inclimate weather. My colleague, Professor Tipsy Wonkersen -- most famous for his electronic composition that plays constantly near the Rochester waterfall -- sacrificed his life in order to keep his Casiophonic Water Organs in an always-frigid environment. May he rest in peace.

UNKNOWN MASTERS #2 - Knisha Vløgstøffer

2007-07-18T12:59:00.000-04:00

I first met Knisha Vløgstøffer in my Composer Isolation Chamber back in 1994. She was the cleaning lady. She still makes a living that way, but I've taken her under my wing to cultivate in her a sense of compositional astution akin to my own. Over decades of strenuous training, Knisha has finally composed her first piece, MACHINATIONS for Penny Whistle and Tape. I'm pleased to host an excerpt from that piece on Classical Pontifications:

MACHINATIONS for Penny Whistle and Tape

Professor McJeebie: Why did you write a piece for penny whistle instead of a more virtuosic, traditional instrument?
Vløgstøffer: I am simple cleaning lady. I write the simple instruments. It have desired many times for to play the penny whistle, like a dog desires to have a dog food. I make the penny whistle to express for myself.
Professor McJeebie: Why do you feel the need to express yourself?
Vløgstøffer: Only the penny whistle feels the need. The tape is no expressive.
Professor McJeebie: So, the tape part is where you find a true love for modern composition?
Vløgstøffer: Yes, sir.
Professor McJeebie: I'm sure our listeners will have a lot of questions for you after they listen to the excerpt. What would you like to say to answer their questions?
Vløgstøffer: Yes, sir, I have much so to say for the people who listen. The music for their ears and eyes is like a present from God. He gives to us a composition just like he gives unto to us a child, the baby Jesus. This composition for me is not less than the baby Jesus, the Messiah, but it is up to each and everybody to accept Jesus for themself. Just like that, they will want to accept Him and with my composition.
Professor McJeebie: Thank you, Mrs. Vløgstøffer, for the wonderful spiritual femininity you bring to modern composition. I'm sure our audience will appreciate your soft touch as much as I do.
Vløgstøffer: God bless you, Professor.

Professor McJeebie Declines White House Invitation

2007-07-05T13:35:00.001-04:00

Dear President Bush,

I am writing to let you know why I am not able to accept your kind invitation to give a presentation at the Patriotic Computer Music Festival on September 24. In one way, it's a very appealing invitation. The idea of having 85,000 people listen to my Etude for Computer #142 - Faith in the Unheard is a magnificent prospect, especially in light of my recent community-building educational efforts in the tribal regions of Africa through which I exposed the ignorant tribespeople (especially the children) to the complicated cerebrations of computer-centric composition.

As a professor at the Hotel Cadillac, I have taught in many different settings: my office, a variety of classrooms, and even a lecture hall. As a teacher, I have created a lasting influence on the young men and slightly older women who wish to carry on my legacy.

When you have witnessed an African tribesperson - someone who doesn't understand civilized music in the least - learn to accurately notate the wheezing howls of his ritualistic ceremonies for inclusion in the Norton Anthology of Historically Accurate Transcriptions -- when you have seen this kind of progress, you can't help but wonder: Would it be better if all top-down decisions on behalf of democratic citizens are made by composers of the highest scholarly repute?

A distorted musical heritage, the dismissal of compositional counterpoint, and the general acceptance of the untruths of so-called "arrangements" -- all of these lamentable hand-me-downs have been embraced by your administration, with the utmost lack of respect for academic integrity.

So many American professors who had once felt pride in our country's musical reputation - at a diverse range of elite institutions such as Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Juilliard, the Hotel Cadillac and even its sister school at Eastman - now feel anguish and shame. They are ashamed of the current regime's use of virtual orchestras at presidential inaugurations, studio musicians at white house galas, and composers who are forced to "arrange" patriotic warhorses every time there is a pyrotechnic display.

This kind of musical ignorance must end. If it is not too late for Africa, then it is not too late for the United States of America.

Respectably,
Heebie McJeebie
TANDY Professor of Electronic Music
Hotel Cadillac

Epic Symphony LEAKED!

2007-06-26T10:12:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I learned that my epic opus, "A Libertarian Symphony," had been leaked on the internet. I don't know who could have done this. Certainly it wasn't me.

This kind of irresponsible downloading is what prevents young composers from listening carefully to music. If you can download a Symphony in two minutes, then why would you spend more than two minutes listening to it? Whereas, if it takes you an hour to go to the music store, browse the displays, and wait in line, then you're more likely to spend an hour listening to the Symphony.

Naturally, it wasn't me who leaked the file on the internet, but it could be costing me millions of dollars in income, not to mention bandwidth. Since I am not guilty of leaking my own music on the internet, it must have been one of my students at the Hotel Cadillac. The administrative offices, after I informed them that I could not possibly have leaked the music myself, opened an investigation. I will keep you all informed of the progress. Please email me if you'd like to serve on the jury.

The Universal Language of Music

2007-06-19T09:33:00.001-04:00

I just got back to Rochester after a month in Third-World Africa teaching young tribespeople how to listen to complicated musical compositions. The trip of African outreach and education was made possible by an Upstate Genius Grant that was awarded to me this year.

Needless to say, Africans don't use the internet, so I was unable to post to my blog while away. I returned to the U.S.A. last week, but I was ill from some foreign-born pathogens that doctors here could not identify. Serves me right for taking off my face mask when trying to communicate with the tribespeople and get them to understand English.

The difficulty of communication, especially in Third-World Africa, has led me to the conclusion that the only universal language is the language of music. For example, every tribesperson in Africa understood the basic tone of the tune, "There's a hole in my bucket, Dear Liza." They knew from the musical inflections and melodic contradictions that it was a song about conflict and disease. Even when the tune makes an appearance in my Concerto for Folk Song and Computer, with all its complexities and inaccessibilities, the tribespeople still recognize the danger. They become cautious and suspicious, just as you would be if you were scared of catching a incurable pathogen.

I plan to address these issues further in a course I'll be teaching in the fall named "The Universal Language of Music." If I play my chords right, I just might live up to the nickname my students have for me, "the Ayn Rand of electronic music."

The Isolated Composer

2007-05-09T01:51:00.000-04:00

I thought I would take a cyber-moment and pay homage to the place where I do all of my composing – my specially designed Composer Isolation Chamber in the sub-basement below the regular basement of the Hotel Cadillac. Even when I’m supposed to be teaching courses at the Hotel Cadillac’s world-renowned School for the Natural and Inhibitive Arts, I have been known to spend weeks at a time submerged in my Composer Isolation Chamber, churning out my cerebral machinations and (yes) on occasion, my classical pontifications!

I built my Composer Isolation Chamber in 1987 and stocked it with complimentary computers from the Tandy Corporation. These computers are obsolete only in the sense that there is nothing else like them! They are extraordinary sinetone-powered devices, able to execute even my most complicated musical procedures, which are beyond human capacity. I haven’t completely shut out the hustle and bustle of recitals and concerts, but, having converted this former fallout shelter into a space for creative and mathematical thinking, I need not concern myself with the inadequacies of common performing musicians.

Occasionally I allow my students to use the Composer Isolation Chamber for a small rental fee, and a prime number of them have indicated that it is indeed a fine workspace – inspiring but not necessarily in a banal, inspirational sort of way; comforting in its constant claustrophobic sameness. It is a space where a composer feels free, in part because he is confined by so many limitations. For as the great composer, Held Projansky, once said, “Music always has the potential to be free, but first it must be notated correctly.”

Poolitzer

2007-05-03T11:30:00.000-04:00

It is amusing to me, dear readers, that so many well-meaning musical citizens get so “huffy mcpuffy” about the Pulitzer Prize being awarded to a non-composer such as Ornette Coleman and his big band orchestra. The Prize itself is only $10,000, and with a required entry fee of $50 and between 100 and 200 applicants in each category, the Pultizer makes almost as much money as it gives away!

Ten thousand dollars is not a lot of money, especially for a tenured professor such as myself. And as for “honor”... well, it remains to be seen if receiving the award gets you prestige, or if being prestigious gets you the award.

Given his gambling addiction (common among jazz “improvisers”), Mr. Coleman has probably already lost the money. The Pulitzer Prize committee has squandered its well-earned entry fees by handing them over to a drunken bum. It should come as no surprise to the committee that a drunken bum who refuses to follow the rules of music composition will certainly not follow the rules of the Pulitzer Prize application process.

An Open and Shut Letter to Jeremy Denk via My Readers*

2007-04-29T09:20:00.000-04:00

*(also submitted to the New York Times, the Washington Post, and The Discerning Pianist magazine)

Readers, I am very aware that the blogging pianist Jeremy Denk has taken note of Unknown Master Ariodney Hussington whom I interviewed in my previous blog entry. Unfortunately, Mr. Denk does not feel that Miss Hussington's compositions are as lovely and beautiful as she is.

It should be said that Miss Hussington is not a student of mine, as some have assumed. Rather, she is one of those young people who posts her life and work on MySpace and patiently waits for the fame to come to her. That's how I found her, and I am pleased to have done my part, after spending several hours with her in my Composer Isolation Chamber, to stretch her threshold as a lady composer. Whether Mr. Denk approves of her compositions or not is irrelevant. She will continue to make music and post it on MySpace, receiving royalties every time someone (like Mr. Denk) listens to her compositions.

It should also be said that, since I have not listened to Mr. Denk's piano-playing, he may very well be a quack himself! But I suspect that he, having performed the so-called "Fiddle Concerto" by the bloke Marc O'Connor, can relate to Miss Hussington's composition, "Simpleton Pleasures." There is no simpler instrument than the fiddle.

As he criticizes the work of a beautiful and attractive composer like Miss Hussington, Mr. Denk would do best to remain aware that his mind is limited, just as many of his piano performances are limited to only eighty-eight keys.

Unknown Masters - Ariodney Hussington

2007-04-21T15:38:00.000-04:00

Readers, this is the first installment of a series entitled Unknown Masters in which I conduct a short interview with some of the most unrecognized composers of our time and provide samples of their compositions via PayPal. The first composer I’d like to feature is Ariodney Hussington, a young lady whose music I first encountered on the world wide web a few months ago. As you’ll read below in our transcribed interview, Miss Hussington is interested in the fusion of classical music with folk music and African-American jazz rhythms. Here are two excerpts of music from her compositions:

Chamber Symphony No. 6 – “Simpleton Pleasures” (mp3 )

Chamber Symphony No. 13 – “Jazz Improvisations” (mp3 )

Prof. McJeebie: Miss Hussington, tell us about the musical structures behind your Chamber Symphony No. 6.
Ariodney Hussington: First, I’d like to thank you for having me.
McJeebie: You’re welcome.
[silence]
Hussington: Well, with Simpleton Pleasures I’m successfully combining the vernacular appeal of melodic simplicity and harmonic redundancy with the complicated tonal modulations of twentieth-century music and the rhythmic abstruseness of the French Overture, an often overlooked isorhythmic technique composers use to make rhythms bouncier and more angular than they are to begin with.
McJeebie: These tonal modulations you refer to, they happen every eight bars or so. It’s a remarkable shift in the music, making the simple tune sound very modern and shocking.
Hussington: Exactly! This is to convey the tragic and dirty lives of many simpleton people.
McJeebie: What composers, besides yourself, do you pay homage to in this symphony?
Hussington: The second tonal modulation happens one measure later than the first modulation, creating a kind of phase shift in the style of composer Steve Reich. Also in the second modulation, the bassoons get into that Rite of Spring range which is an homage to Stravinksy. And the fourth and final modulation returns us to the original tonal center, creating a form of A-B-C-A first utilized by the composer Ferde Grofé.
McJeebie: The clarinet trills remind me of Richard Stoltzman.
Hussington: Absolutely.
McJeebie: Let’s move on to Chamber Symphony No. 13. Were you influenced by the African-American rhythms of jazz?
Hussington: Yes, of course, I love African-American jazz, and the compositions of Stan Kenton and Dave Brubeck in particular.
McJeebie: It seems that you’ve introduced an odd instrument into the chamber ensemble – a trapped set of drums. What made you decide to use such a non-classical instrument?
Hussington: Originally, I wanted to use a saxophone, but I thought a drum set would be more authentic to jazz. But, unlike most jazz composers, I don’t allow the players to improvise. I’ve notated all of their parts, which allows me to fine-tune the overall sound I’m looking for. For example, I’ve found that using accent marks on the offbeats really enhances the swing feel and makes for a decidedly un-classical atmosphere. What I’m going for with the drum set – and with the flutter-tongued trumpet as well – is a sound-world in which all listeners can relate to what I have to say.
McJeebie: Why is the piece called Jazz Improvisations if there's no improvisation?
Hussington: There is improvisation, but it happens in the composer's head, and, actually, it already happened. It was in the past. So what you're hearing is a sort-of simultaneous compilation of all kinds of different improvisations that the composer was able to transcribe quickly.
McJeebie: There is also a French Horn part, hardly a common instrument at, say, the Blue Note Café or Spanish Harlem.
Hussington: I included a French horn part, but I’m not using the French Overture technique. As a matter of fact, in concert performances of Jazz Improvisations, the horn player is asked to tap his feet in a shuffle rhythm. When the audience sees the French horn player dancing, they usually get the hint that they’re not listening to classical music.
McJeebie: These two excerpts have fascinated me for minutes on end. Thank you so much for sharing your musical talents with us. I'm sure I speak for myself when I say that my readers and I wish you the best of luck with your compositions.
Hussington: Thank you, Professor. I’ve been a long-time admirer of yours and am honored to be the first composer featured in this series.
McJeebie: Which of my compositions do you find the most interesting?
Hussington: I think my favorite is Etude for Computer No. 17 Version D. There are so many wonderful etudes, though, it’s hard to choose a favorite.
McJeebie: Well then, why don’t you tell me what several of your favorite compositions are?
Hussington: I really like them all.
McJeebie: I understand. Thank you, Miss Hussington.
Hussington: You’re welcome, Professor.

Upstate Genius Grant

2007-04-05T13:25:00.000-04:00

Readers, I am pleased to notify you that I have once again been nominated for the Upstate Genius Grant in Music Composition. Once every so often, on a regular basis, a panel of distinguished colleagues meets to select possible recipients of the award from among their distinguished colleagues. Generally, a few months pass before the final winner is selected through a delicate and rigorous process known as intellectually osmosified matriculationism.

I have received this grant many times and look forward to the possibility of receiving it again. Awards like these make it possible for me to continue earning a Professor’s salary while simultaneously taking a sabbatical during which I commission myself to compose a new magnum opus. I may also use the award to travel to impoversished nations such as Africa where modern composers are seen as gods by the locals. I often make a good deal of money selling CDs of my computer compositions to the African people.

I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate the panel on its continuing reliability and pleasantly predictable recommendations.

Catchy Mantras with Belinda Reynolds

2007-04-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

Thank you, readers, for your patience during this very difficult hiatus. I am happy to return to the blogosphere with more regular posts now that my legal battle with SoftBunnies&HardNannies VideoProductions has ended.*

Let me begin by saying that I have been thoroughly inspired by the woman-composer Belinda Reynolds, who blogs about music and education over at New Music Box. Reynolds believes that young people will learn to appreciate modern music by having mantras hurled repeatedly at them preceded by the words “Remember, children.”

Examples of some Reynolds mantras are “Remember, children: Dissonance is just consonance taken out of context,” and “Remember, children: If Popular Music is to be noteworthy, it must first be notated.”

These mantras are not only true, they are catchy! Surely children can appreciate the depth of these statements after they are entertained by their catchiness. Best wishes to Miss Reynolds as she continues the kind of music-education work best handled by women composers like herself.

*The court ruled in my favor, concluding that the company used computer-generated noises that sounded a lot like my music as its theme song. As some of you may know, SoftBunnies&HardNannies VideoProductions distributes snuff films, and I do not wish my music to be associated with the objectification of women! As part of the ruling in my favor, I will receive backroyalties from their sales.

Launching into the Counterstream

2007-03-14T12:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I was contemplating whether to wait until XFM and Sirius merge before listening to any radio broadcasts. Just as I was about to swear off all radio until the arrival of TANDYStream, I received an announcement from the folks at American Music Center (along with a reminder to renew my membership) promoting the official launch of its new radio station, Counterstream Radio, this Friday, March 16, at 3pm EST.

The launch is paraded along various modems and wiretapping devices with a "conversation" involving the nonsense-syllables of singer Meredith Monk and the star-power of Icelandic seductress Bj§rk whose musical noodlings and unpronounceable instruments have attracted quite a following in certain circles.

The AMC announcement claims that this is the first time Monk and Bj§rk will meet in person – a boldfaced lie! Granted, Bj§rk’s Hollywood career is based on lies and deception, and Monk’s words (or nonwords) have to be taken with a grain of salt, but I find it difficult to imagine that Monk is mistaken in this interview when she claims that she and Bj§rk first met in May of 2005. Nevertheless, Bj§rk has been known to use a look-alike when required to attend more highbrow functions, and Ms. Monk may have been unaware that the person she was speaking to was actually Misako Uno (see photo).

But radio has always been about misinformation and soundbytes, and what better way to introduce so-called “eclectic” programming than to prance about without concern for the truth! After all, when a composer writes a piece of music, he does not consider whether or not his music is true. Perhaps “writes” is too strong a word for some of the Counterstream regulars like DJ Spooky and Kid 606, not to mention two hours of “jazz improvisation” every day. At any rate, truth is for accountants and statisticians, not composerly artists!

Well, I attempted to listen to Counterstream Radio’s programming this morning (which I suppose is “unofficial” until March 16 at 3pm), and let me tell you: I have never been barraged with so much unfamiliar music in my entire career as a Professor of Composition. I caught the last two minutes of Steve Reich’s Music for Mallet Instruments, Voices, and Organs, which was plenty of time for me to “get it," but after that piece, the playlist was comprised of music that I had never heard before! The single exception was the flittering cashmere-scarf-like music of the elegant elitist, Richard Danielpour. It was nice to see his sensibly named Urban Dances among such sophomoric titles as Journey Cake and Molto Moderato.

I’m not sure what Counterstream Radio’s policy is regarding submissions, but I’m planning to submit my entire oeuvre for their consideration and I’d encourage all fair and balanced composers to do the same!

NOTE: The first ten minutes of Counterstream Radio are free, but after that you must disable all virus software and firewalls and send an email to AMC@databases.biz with your Social Security Number and last name. Pending approval, you will then be able to listen indefinitely, so long as you don’t shut down your computer in which case you have to repeat the procedure.

Prof. McJeebie Quoted in Recent News Story

2007-02-26T15:01:00.000-05:00

From a recent article reprinted today in the Hotel Cadillac’s student newspaper, The Weekly Rate:

IS THE F.B.I. TARGETTING YOUNG COMPOSERS OF ELECTRONIC MUSIC?

Despite accumulating circumstantial evidence to the contrary, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has consistently denied allegations that it cooperates with Hotel Cadillac and Eastman School of Music security officers in Rochester, NY, to keep tabs on young composers of electronic music. "We have detectives who monitor musicians in general and report all incidents regarding the music industry,” says Agent Rudy Rubato, a spokesperson for the Bureau, “but we do not single out individual composers, and even if we did, I’m sure we would not focus on electronic music composers."

Heebie McJeebie, the well-endowed TANDY Professor of Electronic Music at the Hotel Cadillac, is an outspoken critic of both the F.B.I. and young composers. He says the police need to be more aware of the “very serious issues facing composers of very serious music. If they’re only watching musicians, they’re watching the wrong people. Performing musicians almost always obey the laws because they’ve been taught since a very young age to respect the way things are. But composers – especially the younger ones – it’s as if they’ve just moved here from a foreign country like Amsterdam. They’re smoking marijuana and riding their bicycles on the wrong side of the street at all hours of the night.”

Most young composers don’t see it that way. They believe the F.B.I. is spying on composers, and that the surveillance creates a false paranoia. They cite the recent circus that erupted around teen-idol composer Missy Mazzoli who recently shaved her head and locked herself in an insulated soundproof booth at a recording studio in Beverly Hills, CA. She returned to public life just a few days later, and then announced a performance on March 20th of her conspicuously titled composition Shy Girl Shouting Music for soprano and chamber ensemble.

Some young composers are visibly hostile toward the F.B.I. The irate and disheveled composer Tristan Perich recently organized an all-night “Log-In,” during which he blogged, "A very dangerous precedent is being set, and composers of electronic music don’t believe in precedents!” As I challenged him on this blanket statement, Perich lost patience with my questions and yelled incomprehensibly over his one-bit cell phone. Later, he explained on his social networking site, “Composers must avoid making strong commitments and setting precedents. That’s why we stopped using tape, and now we use only digital playback.” (It turns out that digital playback is often still referred to as “tape” in order to foil authorities.)

Pilate Palmer is an attorney representing two Rochester composers who allege police harassment in connection with their recent arrests. Palmer questions the effectiveness of collecting data on electronic music composers since their technology usually goes out of date before pieces are premiered. "How many people have the police arrested at this point based on yesterday’s emails and last week’s software updates?" asks Palmer.

"The police department is primarily set up to protect and serve,” says Agent Lance Latency. “I was there to help investigators go out and capture people," says Latency, "but our long term goal, as we build up to a crescendo, is to prevent crimes... because when you start talking to younger composers and you know they have hits on their websites and you’re on to them, people won’t go out and shoot at them or rob them if they know the police are around. Most of the time, it's not the composers; it's the musicians stealing their music who cause the problems."

-James Handy-Ictus reporting

Hiatus

2007-02-02T06:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Faithful Readers,

I've been taking a much-needed hiatus to work on my new book about computer music in the 20th century, The Rests Are Noisy. My pet creature Mulatto certainly likes to read, doesn't she?

I'll be back soon, O Commanders of the Faithful!

Respectably Yours,
Prof. Heebie McJeebie

Pre-Emptive Review: Robert Ashley's CONCRETE

2007-01-16T23:43:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. Robert Ashley has completed a new opera, or rather, he has recycled his "maverick" ideas for the twenty-fourth time in as many years. I plan to attend the opera Wednesday, January 17th, at LaMaMa theater in New York City. Meanwhile, here is a pre-emptive review unbiased by the experience of having already seen the production.

I will forego discussing the libretto as its author (Mr. Ashley himself) is a composer, not a writer. Suffice it to say, I have not read the libretto nor could I understand most of the words as they were delivered in a VERY non-operatic fashion. Mr. Ashley does not believe in super-titles, or subtitles, but for those composers who are very hard of hearing, like me, a lack of visible text is just about as anti-libretto as any opera can be!

Musically, Mr. Ashley has been exploring the hip-hop computer program called "Live." Ironically, the computer program does not generate sounds in real time, but rather allows the operator to decide when to "press go," as it were, for each new section. Mr. Ashley claims to be the oldest person using "Live," but my colleague, Dr. Held Projansky, was using the "limited edition" version of the program before his death at the age of 99. Mr. Ashley may want to read the instruction manual that comes with "Live" as it appears he is using only the "demo" track which automatically loads the first time the program is used.

It remains to be seen whether Mr. Ashley can compose an opera appropriate for a position in the operatic canon. Until he does so, we will have to settle for version 24.0 of his annual dog and pony show.

The Five Worst Musical Monumentations of 2006

2006-12-20T13:04:00.000-05:00

5. Opera composer Stephen Hartke was censored by the Metropolitan Opera House when he attempted to name his opera The Tightest Whore de Suif. Subsequently, Hartke appeared on the PBS television show Feminist Operas by Male Composers and claimed that he was never censored. Rather, due to certain prosody limitations, the title was changed to The Grandest Goodliness.

4. The intellectual folk-music composer John Dowland was besmirched by British troubadour Sting who recorded several of Dowland’s lute-and-voice songs using technologically anachronistic wah-wah pedals, reverberation machines, and “slap delays.”

3. The 250th anniversary of the birth of Mozart was celebrated at least four-hundred times in 2006, in the U.S. alone. Many living composers celebrated their birthdays in 2006, but they were not honored with a multi-million dollar chocolate factory or a posthumous interview with Joan Acocella.

2. On the day he turned seventy, Steve Reich gave an odd lecture to so-called “post-minimalist” composers via NPR’s Modern Mainstream program. He told the young composers, “I’m the one who made you, and I can also destroy you. If you don’t believe that, just try me!” Reich then gave an extended account of his early (unpublished) writings and claimed that he invented stereophonic sound and that any composer who records music in stereo owes him royalties. After the radio broadcast, Reich mysteriously disappeared and was replaced with an impersonator.

1. TANDY, Inc. ceased its production of the TANDY Virtuoso-M180. For forty-five years, the M180 was the epitome of étude-enabled electronic interpreters of punch-card sonatini and concerti. Today, the only comparable machine being manufactured is TOSHIBA’s ImPRO-V5678, an inferior device that, according to the product’s instruction manual, only performs “when it wants to.”

Here's to a brighter future for the musical literati! Happy holidays to all. Young composers, do not get stoned or drunk before attending your local Messiah singalong.

La Scalandal

2006-12-13T13:21:00.000-05:00

As many of my faithful readers are aware, I am not a fan of traditional opera. Such grandstanding and ego-centric theatrics are best left to actors, choreographers, and circus performers, not high-caliber musicians. Nevertheless, my students have been asking for my thoughts on the La Scala scandal with gay porn star and full-mouthed tenor Roberto Alagna, who never misses an opportunity to pose nude or create a scene. His latest impertinence involves the Opera Chic’s production of La Scala.

After doing some research, I located a plot synopsis for La Scala. And I quote:

A composer, working in isolation on a score for a horror movie meets two women who used to know his house's former tenant. When the women disappear, he's forced to look into the film he's working on to determine what happened to them, and who's responsible.

Very few composers have been able to successfully capture the mood of a “thriller” or “horror” story in their stage works. The notable exception is Elliott Carter’s one-act opera, What Next, a frightening examination of sexual deviants who cause automobile accidents in order to become aroused.

Most young composers don’t truly understand the concept of sexual arousal. They prance about like bunny rabbits and flirt with almost any instrument (exception: instruments that require notation in tenor or alto celfs are notable turn-offs). Alagna falls into the category of sexual deviant. His stunt with the aptly named Opera Chic is merely an attempt to seduce young composers who are easily aroused by operatic egos.

But Alagna is not fooling this Professor. He is still wounded from an incident in 2003 when an illicit video tape was made of his audition for Elliott Carter’s What Next. The singer was asked to do a scene in which he was required to maintain an erection for several minutes while executing a very difficult recitative. Embarrassment ensued when Alagna simply could not stay erect. The composer became irate, and the singer withdrew from the public eye for weeks. Clearly Alagna’s recovery is not yet complete.

Prof. McJeebie’s Private Grammys

2006-12-08T16:55:00.000-05:00

Despite the shutdown of Tower Records, the Grammy Awards are still going strong with more than 500 nominees. Nevertheless, there are many artists who remain ignored. That's why, each year, I submit my own nominees in two additional categories:

Most Elaborately and Thoroughly Structured Computer Music Composition:

WigWam 40XXL by Casey Booner

Technological Retrogrades by EmmaLou Stephenson

Boolean Earthquakes by Kristov Wilhelm

Fractured Breakthroughs of Electromagnetic Frequencies by Kristin Islington

Sines of the Times by Gregory Peterson Paulson III

Most Rewarding Recording Upon Multiple Hearings:

Sonatinas of the Mind’s Ear by Fred Kohlberg

3’44” by “Funnyman” Calvin Kelvin

Concerto without a Soloist by Emily Hayes

Unanticipated Expectations by Franklin Arthur

Nebulous Enigmas by Sissy Williams

The winners will be announced by secret ballot via email.

Tower Records - Erected No More

2006-11-29T18:02:00.000-05:00

Many classical music lovers, including yours truly, are lamenting the demise of Tower Records, one of the last remaining “mom ‘n’ pop” music stores of my generation.

Founded by classical composer, Joan Tower, the corporation has always made sure that each store’s classical music section was comprised not only of newly released reissues, but also of bargain bins and box sets. Tower was one of the only places that sold one-sided blank cassette tapes, which came in handy for some of my composition lessons.

Tower employees were some of the smartest people in the retail business. For example, they could easily explain to my naive and confused young students why there existed so many different recordings of the same piece of music, and why the first recording made wasn’t necessarily the best one.

The employees convinced my students of the frivolity of “packaging” and “album art,” an attitude that, ironically, led to Tower’s demise. You see, one of the most popular genres of downloaded music today is Classical Music. That’s because consumers are convinced that packaging, artwork, and design are not important alongside the historical integrity of Great Music. Years of impeccably innocuous album art has made physical distribution unnecessary, despite the fact that liner notes have been replaced by the inferior PDF format.

The big problem, of course, is that average listeners (who are not trained composers) cannot tell the difference between CD-quality audio and mp3 files. We’ve solved one problem (unnecessary artwork) and created another (compromised sound quality).

Incidentally, for years the Rochester location of Tower Records has been a popular hangout with druglords and prostitutes, two character-types who will never appreciate classical music, even though classical music appreciates them.

Reasons Young Composers Should Be Thankful This Holiday Season:

2006-11-26T11:19:00.000-05:00

- I am about to complete the prototype for my TANDY Ring Modulator, a device that will transform simple-minded cell phone ring tones (as seen in hip-hop commercials) into unrecognizable, and quite nearly unanalyzable, contemporary études.

- My TANDY ASCII-Mate generated this list of 102 suggested musical compositions for Thanksgiving. As you can see, there's quite a lack of modern compositions in the Thanksgiving repertoire, which means this is an opportunity! Young composers, consider writing a Thanksgiving Cantata or a Thanksgiving Suite of Études combining the themes of American Indian music with European Sonata forms and/or an electronic "aural feast."

- The "trendy" and "cutting edge" internet production company YouTube Pictures will be producing a new film about the life of the reclusive, contentious composer Daphnée Kryostovnezskiy who composed only ONE piece of music which he then revised and rearranged over four hundred times throughout his short career. Due to rights issues, YouTube Pictures cannot use Kryostovnezskiy's music, so they are looking for a young composer willing to create new works in the style of Kryostovnezskiy.

Asians and Classical Music

2006-11-16T13:28:00.000-05:00

My TANDY-Tracker internet spy engine allows me to observe how web-surfers arrive at my Classical Pontifications blog. You’d be surprised at some of the Google searches people execute. It seems that our society will express ideas through Google that would be absolutely unacceptable to express in public.

For example, yesterday I discovered that one of my readers wanted to know why Asians are so slow to accept classical music. I don’t believe this is true. According to Tom Gulick, Executive Director of the Honolulu Symphony, “[T]he Asians understand what people get from the study of classical music. A training of the brain.”

If anyone is slow to accept classical music, it is the young people of the United States. They’re too busy calling in their votes to Dancing with the Stars to attune to the complexity of intellectual music. Classical music is not easy to dance to. It never has been. That’s why it’s called “classical music” and not “ballroom music” or “boudoir music.” Exercising the mind and exercising the body are two entirely different processes that must be executed separately if at all. You wouldn’t expect a scientist to base his study of global warming on what happens as his bowl of ice cream melts, would you?! For the same reason, we shouldn’t mix music and pleasure!

Young people, when you find the time to put down your text messages and pick up your books of piano etudes, remember that it’s important to analyze the etude before you attempt to play it. Your fingers need a workout, but first you need to exercise your brain.